My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
