When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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