take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
