This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
