Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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