just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
