Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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