can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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