Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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