You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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