Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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