Please, let me fuck your mom
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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