I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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