ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
