Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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