i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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