So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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