Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
