I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
