My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
