I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
