I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
not ubering you a puppy
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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