Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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