yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
