dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
