I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
