cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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