ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
