and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
