Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
