My brain says no but my pants say off.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
