Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
