if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
