Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
