On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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