just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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