I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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