he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
