i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
