I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
