I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
