Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
