I'm jealous of your bromance
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
