and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
