god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
