I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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