Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
