Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
