I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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