I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
